Kiss
Puke
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just had sex on a roof
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
