My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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