hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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