I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
