I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
