I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
