was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
