i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
