Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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