I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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