Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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