She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
