he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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