There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
