he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
