Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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