Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
