Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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