Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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