i wish there were pregnant emoticons
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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