Too much gin, very little bucket
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
