I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
