At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
