Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Princesses don't give blow jobs
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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