life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
