Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
