I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
