He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I need to align my fucking chakras
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
