Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
