Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
