I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
