I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
