I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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