I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
