I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
