ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
