3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
