From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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