i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
