I met the friendliest cop last night
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
