I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
