i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
