I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
