I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
