I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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