I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
