My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
