I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
