so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
