So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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