i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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